“Dear Santa…” An aspiring writer’s Christmas wish list

Dear Santa,

How’s things? It feels like it’s been, what, a year since we last caught up? Wow, yes, I think it may have been exactly this time last year. I’m sure the elves will have grown and I hope Rudolph’s nose is not still giving you grief. You really need to get a vet to look at that – it just doesn’t seem normal.

I’ve had a mixed year – a little naughty, a little nice. For example, I used “less” when I should have used “fewer” a few too many times. Anyway Santa, here is my Christmas wish list, for your consideration:

• More time. I would love 30 hours in each day, but will settle for 28.
• More books.
• Somewhere to put the new books.
• Oh, just use an e-reader you say? Okay one of those too.
• Something nice to drape over the tower of books next to my bed so I can use it as a bedside table.
• Somewhere to store the blank notebooks I keep buying because they look so pretty and smell so nice.
• Did I mention more time? I would be happy with 28 hours each day but will settle for 26.
• A completed manuscript, typo-free.
• A bucket of apostrophes – I’m always in need of a few when I’m out and about reading signs.
• An agent and publisher. Any size or colour.
• A book deal.
• No editorial or structural changes required whatsoever.
• A new vaccuum cleaner or mop. This will come in handy when I am trying to avoid writing.
• A comfier writing chair. This faux-leather is starting to look fake.
• One each of every single adult colouring book that has been made.
• One of those cool green old fashioned desk lamps. They just look cool.
• A nice shiny fancy pen that I can take to meetings but never actually use.
• A new laptop because I keep getting my Macbook Pro confused with all the other ones in the cafe/library/train/park.
• A vintage typewriter that I can display in an ironic way while typing on my new laptop.
• A 20,000-piece jigsaw puzzle. This will come in handy when I am trying to avoid writing.
• Cards Against Humanity.
• A bookmark that helps me find my keys.
• For people to stop using the word “literally” incorrectly. It literally kills me.
• No it doesn’t. I’m not dead.
• A new main character for my story. The current one I have written is terrible.
• More time. Would love 26 hours in a day, but willing to go for just a bonus hour.
• 2000 words a day, delivered piping hot each morning.
• A GoPro so I can capture the pure adrenalin of bashing out an entire chapter before the rest of the house wakes up.
• A Selfie Stick, so that I can bash Selfie-Stick-using people over the forearms with it.
• Pyjamas with a book pocket, for easy storage and access.
• Some non-writer friends, so that I don’t entirely lose my grip on reality.
• A fit ball. To use like a chair for the first day for good posture as I type. Then to just sit and take up space in the corner for the remaining days.
• A fresh batch of newly uploaded social media photos of people I went to high school with, for hours of entertainment when I should be writing.
• A pile of random objects that I can put into alphabetical order. Because, avoiding writing.
• I just found out that there are 438 different adult colouring books. So just get me two.
• A floor to ceiling library with one of those ladders on wheels.
• Actually, a few more of those ladders on wheels. I think I could use them in other rooms of the house.
• A dog, so I will actually have to leave the house every now and then. I’ve heard it is healthy to do so.
• A “U” for when I pick up a “Q” from the bag of Scrabble letters.
• For everyone to stop playing “Hello” by Adele.
• An hour with my favourite author. Not to ask them questions or anything, but just giggle nervously while (unbeknownst to them) I watch them work from behind a curtain.
• The word “unbeknownst” – because I just think it’s great and want to have one always on me for special occasions.
• A butler who will bring snacks and beverages, adjust the heating and says pithy things like “excuse me, but your participle is dangling” or “would you like me to bring the car around” even though it’s just in the carport.
• More time, and at this point I’d even take minutes. Don’t make me beg, Santa. Perhaps you could just spare an extra day in February this coming year?
• Wine. Just because.

Ho ho ho
Yours literarily,
An aspiring author